What is a risky conversation?

A risky conversation is more than a difficult conversation with an ‘80’s coming-of-age’ movie name. It’s when we’re working through disagreement or conflict. 

It’s also any conversation where it’s hard to show up as well as you wish you could. Often in these conversations, our breathing quickens, our hands sweat, and our thinking gets murky.  That doesn’t mean you’re bad at tense conversations. It means you’re a normal human being. 

Conversations feel risky because we go into survival mode when we hear information we don’t like. Our higher-level thinking gets switched off along with our ability to regulate the emotions we experience. In its place we seek out ways to survive which tends to look like 

1. Fighting, throwing our best ‘facts’ at them in escalating volume and tones

2. Flight, looking for an exit out of the conversations as quickly as possible

3. Or freezing, our minds go blank so we let them steer the convo wherever they want without any resistance

A risky conversation could lead up to a high-stakes decision or it could be centered around an idea you really, really don’t like. Any type of confrontation definitely falls into risky territory and almost always, relationships are on the line. 

Conversations actually are risky because of our social need to belong. We all feel a pull to cater to the identities of our social groups. We want to portray ourselves as trustworthy with the people we seek belonging with. Sometimes this means positioning ourselves against the people who oppose one of our group philosophies, even if those people we disagree with belong to another group. we’re part of. (Most of us can empathize with the situation of a family member who doesn't share our faith or political beliefs.) We feel what research subjects describe as ‘pain’ when we are excluded from our social circles. Abraham Maslow has Belonging ranked squarely in the middle of his ‘Hierarchy of Needs’ pyramid but, more recent social scientific research suggests we humans value belonging to the same degree we value food and shelter.

We are all social creatures, even us introverts.  (I see you, I am with you, just not IRL because I know you need your space to recharge.)

It’s important to remind ourselves that conflict is normal. It’s inevitable, whether you’re sitting at your dining room table or the conference room table. 

Beyond the traditionally taboo areas of religion, sex, and politics, it could look like:

• Talking with an aging parent about a recent health diagnosis

• Fumbling onto the topic that wasn’t polarizing yesterday but certainly is today

• Anytime you’re advocating for a change in the status quo

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Another reason conversations feel risky is that it takes two to tango. At most, you’ll only be 50% of a conversation contributor. You won’t be in control of everything including your convo partner’s bad communication habits. 

Healthy conflict can easily turn into dishonest disagreement and stress for days (years). Well intended miscommunication, ignorance, and error can throw entire relationships off balance. 

We get it. Risky conversations are real heckin’ hard. 

Still, at the School For Risky Conversations, just like the name says we’re for risky conversations. We believe conflict, done well, can lead to growth. We believe teams get better and families grow closer when they can talk through their disagreements. As Mahatma Gandhi says, 

Honest disagreement is a good sign of progress.

We recognize and honor that everyone has choices in risky conversations. So what choices are you making? 

• Are you engaging in conflicts that are necessary or unnecessary? 

• Are you disagreeing in ways that are healthy or unhealthy? 

• Or are you hiding from risky conversations like Buster Bluth blends into the wallpaper? 

No matter your existing relationship with risky conversations, you have more power than you realize to shape the conversations you care about to be less risky and more rewarding. You can prepare yourself for the next risky conversation so it’s not a surprise that sends you into survival mode. You can show up how you want to in risky moments without compromising your beliefs, getting into a screaming match, or being taken hostage into someone else's tirade. 

Take the first step